I’m a Human Error, And That’s Okay
How to stop imposter syndrome from turning into deserter syndrome
I’ve always been embarrassed about my aversion to maths, and my general phobia of all things statistical. Spreadsheets slick and dripping with data might spark joy in one of my super-smart colleagues, but for me they have all the appeal of an electrified Rubik’s cube. I can’t count the ways this jangles my anxiety, and not just because I’d need someone semi-numerate to hold a re-count for me afterwards.
The fear of making very public mistakes stops me from wanting to learn. It might start as imposter syndrome but, if you’re not careful, this can turn into something even more incapacitating — something I’ll call deserter syndrome, a learned aversion to learning itself.
This isn’t self-hate — I reserve that for far more irrational and essential reflections than this. No, it’s more about self-preservation. If I don’t even sign up for the training course, people won’t expect anything of me.
So long as I can be stealthy about it, I can be curious on my own time, and even learn new tricks. I shuffle around the library, hidden under a cardboard box, only moving between aisles when no one is watching or shushing. In the workplace, however, I keep my curiosity to myself. I can’t let the people around me twig the few areas where I could vaguely call…
